Issues of Weight

I was a 90-lb. teenager who grew into a 104-lb. twenty-something who grew into a 108-lb. married woman who grew into a 150-lb. mommy-to-be. I was 132 lbs. or thereabouts the day I officially became a mother. I did manage to weigh 5 lbs. less within a year which was pathetic really. But a few months after my baby's first birthday, I was losing at an astonishing rate of 3 lbs. per week. No pills. No diets. No exercise.

No cause for celebration though. Turned out I was sick with hyperthyroidism. And the sad part? I had developed a mound at the base of my throat that required me to take steroids for quite some time. And the sadder part? Steroids withdrawal gave me back all the weight I lost and much, much more.

And so continues the story of my 3-year-and-still-going battle against the bulge. I'm afraid this is going to be lengthy for my bring-me-back-to size-2 attempts were anything but successful and therefore numerous and varied.

No effect from Time Works FX. Don't get me wrong. I'm not putting the blame on the helpless machine. As you'll find out as you read on, the blame is always on who else but... me. I discovered Time Works FX on home TV shopping and was immediately drawn to it not by the six-pack abs of the persons paid to make a testimonial for it but by the seeming ease with which they worked the bike-like contraption. No sweat, I told myself only to find out after buying it, of course, that it was much more difficult than I imagined. I couldn't work out on it for longer than 4 minutes, one more minute and I'd die. So the killer machine was soon neglected then abandoned then finally moved out of sight, currently a worthless heap in the storeroom being eaten away by God-knows-what. A complete waste of hard-earned cash with no returns whatsoever.

No to no-carbs-no-sugar diet. I tried this years back when I was a lot thinner but still couldn't afford an ounce of extra fat on a trip to Bora. Why didn't I think of it sooner? Hoping to duplicate the positive outcome of that first try, I gave it another shot and totally forgot about the downside. The complete absence of carbohydrates could make you dizzy for the whole 2-week duration of the diet. By the second day, I gave up. You could hardly take care of the little baby when your head was reeling, right? Bummer.

(Beer)Bellydancing. This, I believe, was my cheapest endeavor, my only expense being a VCD, no make that 2 that cost me only a couple of hundreds. Coming from a financial standpoint, I thought it was perfect, considering that it was also a good fun way to do something about my sagging abs and disappearing waist. The result? Hilarious as I never was a good dancer. I suffered from sore muscles. And oh what an eyesore I made! A sorry attempt really. Thank goodness I had enough sense not to buy the silly costume.

Cynical about Xenical. I figured this could be the easiest way out of my overweight state. Just part with some cash, around 40 pesos after every meal and part with some lbs. But it wasn't that simple. Taking Xenical was like guzzling a shot of cooking oil mixed with taba ng talangka that went straight out of your you-know without announcing itself. I had no choice but to wear my ever reliable Modess overnights day in and day out to make sure that there were no tell-tale fatty orange deposits on my, well, behind. By month's end, I had what I decided to be Xenical-induced palpitations which meant saying goodbye to the famous pill. Talk about blessings in disguise! Actually, I was getting tired of my day to day efforts at saving my ass, I mean literally.

The treadmill dread. I was over the Time Works blunder and was raring for a new exercise tool. My husband Nubs was hesitant at first. The treadmill after all was pricier than its killer-machine-turned-storeroom-occupant predecessor. However, the offer at 0% interest for 12 months was irresistible so in no time, we were back home setting up our new fitness baby. In six months, it was pretty obvious it was going to share the same fate as Time Works. To make sure our precious money won't go down the drain a second time, I quickly sold the idle machine to a friend at three quarters of its original price. Not bad I'd say. Not much financial loss. But zero weight loss. Not bad? Yeah right.

No too to no-rice diet. No rice was not so different from no carbs, with the same dizzying effect. Thus, attempt dropped as soon as it was started.

Half-hearted half-rice diet. Since I failed at the former, might as well try the more viable version. No pain. And yes, no gain. Or should I say no loss.

Death by lemon juice diet. This was by far my boldest and most ambitious project. A series of aborted ventures called for drastic measures. Strictly no food, just limitless intakes of water and tea plus 6 to 12 servings of lemon juice made from 2 tablespoons organic lemon juice, 2 tablespoons maple syrup, 1/10 teaspoon cayenne and 10 ounces distilled water. I found that the more I took of the foul-colored liquid, the more disgusting it became. What was worse, within just twelve hours of the supposed 10-day period, my eyes turned hot and watery, my legs felt weak and my head pounded like hell. I heard enough horror stories—about obsessed girls who forced alien diets on their bodies then ended up dead—not to get, well, scared. A picture of a motherless Indie came to mind so I rushed to the nearest restaurant and stuffed myself with two whopping corned beef pandesals. Pounding gone, strength restored, I knew I was never in any serious danger of death. It was just my alibi.

These days I have been experimenting on a self-invented diet specially designed for hopeless weight-loss fanatics like moi. I call it the no-rice-when-I-can-but-yes-rice-when-ulam-is-hard-to-resist diet. Given my lack of willpower in the face of gastronomic threats, I'm proud to say I'm doing quite well. I'm not sure though if this is bringing me any closer to my goal. I promised myself this is a temporary thing... Until a more practicable diet comes along... Or perhaps a friendlier machine to work on... Sigh.

And so I ask myself, will I ever be slim again?

Honestly?

Fat chance.